This has got to be my favorite line in the whole movie "Driving Miss Daisy". Morgan Freeman's character, Hoke, tells Jessica Tandy's character, Miss Daisy, this on the way to Mobile, Alabama. So, today being my day off, my mom and I had a Mom/Daughter Day. She took me out to lunch at El Palquente for fajita salad (YUMMY!!! My favorite there and we found out it is a Thursday daily special!!!) and then over to Target to get some Dr. Scholl's gel insoles for my work shoes. Hopefully the addition of the new insoles will help with my foot/ankle/leg pains from work. After our outing, we headed back to the house and watched, you guessed it, "Driving Miss Daisy" while Lindsey (the very best puppy in the world) and I cuddled.
Emotionally I feel a bit more stable today. However, I didn't have the work stressors on me so I was free to feel better. I really did not get much done today in the way of working on the Sunday School lesson or writing back to my pen pal; things I had planned to do today but I don't really feel upset about it. I had a good time just hanging out with Mom and doing nothing work related today. I don't really want to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (because it wears me down so) but it is more money with which to pay the bills, so I feel I must be thankful for such opportunities. I just hope Mike remembers to talk to Steve about switching shifts with me for Sunday, so I can teach Sunday School and sing with the choir before I sneak out to head to work.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Thoughts
Today was a so-so kind of day. The actual work at work wasn't bad. Dealing with management on the other had was difficult. One manager tells me to go and clean and straighten up a certain area. So I go and start doing it. I am about halfway done, when another manager comes and tells me I am needed in the front. I wrongfully think that he needs me to get back to cashiering. Nope, he wants me to restock an area. Maybe I just have the wrong mindset, but I have always been taught that you take one task at a time and finish it before moving to the next one. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and it makes me feel like the people I work for are very disorganized.
As for the suicidal thoughts, they are running like a constant monologue in the back of my mind. I can't find a way to turn it off. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, ideas, and urges. Medication doesn't seem to be helping. I have had someone tell me that all I have to do is just counter every bad/negative thought forcefully with a good/positive thought and that the constant monologue will end (a.k.a. behavior modification). I have tried for so long to take her advise but it feels like I am lying to myself. The positive/good thoughts feel like lies because I simply don't believe them to be true.
I had someone ask me today what it is I want and I could not answer her. I've been told for so long what I want that I don't know anymore if something is what I really want or what someone else wants. I have been thinking about it all day. (Yet another monologue in my head.) I haven't really ever sat down and thought about what I would like to be doing with my life. I came to the conclusion that I would like to go back to school eventually and take Spanish, art, writing and literature classes. Possibly get a degree in marketing/advertising where I could write and design ads all by myself. To be truthful I don't see this happening anytime soon, but it would be something I think I would enjoy doing.
Okay, I have to be at work in 12 hours so I am going to go to bed now.
As for the suicidal thoughts, they are running like a constant monologue in the back of my mind. I can't find a way to turn it off. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, ideas, and urges. Medication doesn't seem to be helping. I have had someone tell me that all I have to do is just counter every bad/negative thought forcefully with a good/positive thought and that the constant monologue will end (a.k.a. behavior modification). I have tried for so long to take her advise but it feels like I am lying to myself. The positive/good thoughts feel like lies because I simply don't believe them to be true.
I had someone ask me today what it is I want and I could not answer her. I've been told for so long what I want that I don't know anymore if something is what I really want or what someone else wants. I have been thinking about it all day. (Yet another monologue in my head.) I haven't really ever sat down and thought about what I would like to be doing with my life. I came to the conclusion that I would like to go back to school eventually and take Spanish, art, writing and literature classes. Possibly get a degree in marketing/advertising where I could write and design ads all by myself. To be truthful I don't see this happening anytime soon, but it would be something I think I would enjoy doing.
Okay, I have to be at work in 12 hours so I am going to go to bed now.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Making Decisions
Making decisions is one of the hardest things for me to do. The big ones like where to go to college down to the tiny ones like do I want vanilla or chocolate ice cream. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. Part of it stems from being a people-pleaser and wanting to do whatever it was that those around me wanted and desired. The other part I think is more of a lack of feeling that I have the right to choose. I really find it almost painful to make a decision.
People pleasing goes back as far as I can remember because I learned at an early age that you get more love from other people but doing what it is they want to do. Anything from what movie to see, where to go for dinner, and what to wear to a special occasion get together to where to go to school, what car to get, and what job to take. It has gone so far that I don't have an opinion of my own on many topics because I have listened to others for so long.
The lack of feeling that I have the right to chose I think comes from being told by authority figures in my childhood and youth exactly what I was going to chose and how I was to do certain things. I wasn't given a choice on many things for many years and I believe that made me develop this feeling of unworthiness to make decisions about my life.
To be truthful, if I could go back and change things I would. I would not have gone to LeTourneau. I would have followed my passion for art, music, and literature. I would have not moved back in with my parents after I graduated from college. I would have moved to another city to be completely on my own. I would have gotten help with my mental illness sooner. I would have asked out my high school crush even though he was a grade behind me. I would have worked harder in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, so my GPA would have been higher and I could have received more scholarship money and not be in so much debt from college.
I've heard "never say never" and " you can always start over" but those phrases are not working for me at this time. I am nearly $50,000 in debt (mostly from car and school loans), I am living with my very generous friends (rent free), and am currently working a part-time job with no benefits and not enough hours to make ends meet at the moment. How do I start over from here? The thought went through my head today that I should sell my car and get one I can pay the total cost in cash for, with the rest of the money from the sale of my car going to pay down some of my debt. I could also sell all my books, movies, and CD's to a place like half-priced books (with the proceeds going to paying down debt fund). Then I could do a garage sale of everything else I own (save for my memory box and some items of sentimental value). However, I do not believe that by doing those three things I would make anywhere near what I would need to put a dent in my debt.
So, like I asked before, how do I start over from here? I have 8 months until my 30th birthday and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by now. I can't say, "oh, I want to be debt free by my birthday" because that is IMPOSSIBLE!! I could be on my way there if I would find a better job--something full time with benefits that is more stable source of income than where I am now. By 30, I had dreamed of being married with kids, being a stay at home mom that was overbooked with kids activities, and being debt free. Well right now I am 0 for 3.
I know that the people at church would tell me it is all in God's good timing and all I need to do is trust and pray. Right now, that is hard too. From huge tumors at 23 to strange medical ailments and 2 suicide attempts in the last 3 years, I feel like the prodigal child in the mire and muck of the pig sty. Sometime after losing my right ovary and Fallopian tube to a non-cancerous tumor ( making my chances of having children 50/50) I started to feel a distance between me and God. That distance has continued to grow to the point that now I am not even sure that any of my 3 walks down the aisle for salvation were real. I know one for sure wasn't because I know in my heart the motive was to make people like me (which didn't work by the way). I still go to church now and say prayers with the 4 year-olds on Sunday mornings but I feel like it all so fake and my words don't go any further than the air that I breathe out to say them.
All this to say, I guess that the best thing for me to do right now is sit down and start listing my preferences on paper and figure out what to do from there.
I know nobody reads this, but I write anyway to help me process things.
People pleasing goes back as far as I can remember because I learned at an early age that you get more love from other people but doing what it is they want to do. Anything from what movie to see, where to go for dinner, and what to wear to a special occasion get together to where to go to school, what car to get, and what job to take. It has gone so far that I don't have an opinion of my own on many topics because I have listened to others for so long.
The lack of feeling that I have the right to chose I think comes from being told by authority figures in my childhood and youth exactly what I was going to chose and how I was to do certain things. I wasn't given a choice on many things for many years and I believe that made me develop this feeling of unworthiness to make decisions about my life.
To be truthful, if I could go back and change things I would. I would not have gone to LeTourneau. I would have followed my passion for art, music, and literature. I would have not moved back in with my parents after I graduated from college. I would have moved to another city to be completely on my own. I would have gotten help with my mental illness sooner. I would have asked out my high school crush even though he was a grade behind me. I would have worked harder in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, so my GPA would have been higher and I could have received more scholarship money and not be in so much debt from college.
I've heard "never say never" and " you can always start over" but those phrases are not working for me at this time. I am nearly $50,000 in debt (mostly from car and school loans), I am living with my very generous friends (rent free), and am currently working a part-time job with no benefits and not enough hours to make ends meet at the moment. How do I start over from here? The thought went through my head today that I should sell my car and get one I can pay the total cost in cash for, with the rest of the money from the sale of my car going to pay down some of my debt. I could also sell all my books, movies, and CD's to a place like half-priced books (with the proceeds going to paying down debt fund). Then I could do a garage sale of everything else I own (save for my memory box and some items of sentimental value). However, I do not believe that by doing those three things I would make anywhere near what I would need to put a dent in my debt.
So, like I asked before, how do I start over from here? I have 8 months until my 30th birthday and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by now. I can't say, "oh, I want to be debt free by my birthday" because that is IMPOSSIBLE!! I could be on my way there if I would find a better job--something full time with benefits that is more stable source of income than where I am now. By 30, I had dreamed of being married with kids, being a stay at home mom that was overbooked with kids activities, and being debt free. Well right now I am 0 for 3.
I know that the people at church would tell me it is all in God's good timing and all I need to do is trust and pray. Right now, that is hard too. From huge tumors at 23 to strange medical ailments and 2 suicide attempts in the last 3 years, I feel like the prodigal child in the mire and muck of the pig sty. Sometime after losing my right ovary and Fallopian tube to a non-cancerous tumor ( making my chances of having children 50/50) I started to feel a distance between me and God. That distance has continued to grow to the point that now I am not even sure that any of my 3 walks down the aisle for salvation were real. I know one for sure wasn't because I know in my heart the motive was to make people like me (which didn't work by the way). I still go to church now and say prayers with the 4 year-olds on Sunday mornings but I feel like it all so fake and my words don't go any further than the air that I breathe out to say them.
All this to say, I guess that the best thing for me to do right now is sit down and start listing my preferences on paper and figure out what to do from there.
I know nobody reads this, but I write anyway to help me process things.
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