Making Decisions

Making decisions is one of the hardest things for me to do. The big ones like where to go to college down to the tiny ones like do I want vanilla or chocolate ice cream. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. Part of it stems from being a people-pleaser and wanting to do whatever it was that those around me wanted and desired. The other part I think is more of a lack of feeling that I have the right to choose. I really find it almost painful to make a decision.

People pleasing goes back as far as I can remember because I learned at an early age that you get more love from other people but doing what it is they want to do. Anything from what movie to see, where to go for dinner, and what to wear to a special occasion get together to where to go to school, what car to get, and what job to take. It has gone so far that I don't have an opinion of my own on many topics because I have listened to others for so long.

The lack of feeling that I have the right to chose I think comes from being told by authority figures in my childhood and youth exactly what I was going to chose and how I was to do certain things. I wasn't given a choice on many things for many years and I believe that made me develop this feeling of unworthiness to make decisions about my life.

To be truthful, if I could go back and change things I would. I would not have gone to LeTourneau. I would have followed my passion for art, music, and literature. I would have not moved back in with my parents after I graduated from college. I would have moved to another city to be completely on my own. I would have gotten help with my mental illness sooner. I would have asked out my high school crush even though he was a grade behind me. I would have worked harder in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, so my GPA would have been higher and I could have received more scholarship money and not be in so much debt from college.

I've heard "never say never" and " you can always start over" but those phrases are not working for me at this time. I am nearly $50,000 in debt (mostly from car and school loans), I am living with my very generous friends (rent free), and am currently working a part-time job with no benefits and not enough hours to make ends meet at the moment. How do I start over from here?  The thought went through my head today that I should sell my car and get one I can pay  the total cost in cash for, with the rest of the money from the sale of my car going to pay down some of my debt. I could also sell all my books, movies, and CD's to a place like half-priced books (with the proceeds going to paying down debt fund). Then I could do a garage sale of everything else I own (save for my memory box and some items of sentimental value). However, I do not believe that by doing those three things I would make anywhere near what I would need to put a dent in my debt.

So, like I asked before, how do I start over from here? I have 8 months until my 30th birthday and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by now. I can't say, "oh, I want to be debt free by my birthday" because that is IMPOSSIBLE!! I could be on my way there if I would find a better job--something full time with benefits that is more stable source of income than where I am now. By 30, I had dreamed of being married with kids, being a stay at home mom that was overbooked with kids activities, and being debt free. Well right now I am 0 for 3.

I know that the people at church would tell me it is all in God's good timing and all I need to do is trust and pray. Right now, that is hard too. From huge tumors at 23 to strange medical ailments and 2 suicide attempts in the last 3 years, I feel like the prodigal child in the mire and muck of the pig sty. Sometime after losing my right ovary and Fallopian tube to a non-cancerous tumor ( making my chances of having children 50/50) I started to feel a distance between me and God. That distance has continued to grow to the point that now I am not even sure that any of my 3 walks down the aisle for salvation were real. I know one for sure wasn't because I know in my heart the motive was to make people like me (which didn't work by the way). I still go to church now and say prayers with the 4 year-olds on Sunday mornings but I feel like it all so fake and my words don't go any further than the air that I breathe out to say them.

All this to say, I guess that the best thing for me to do right now is sit down and start listing my preferences on paper and figure out what to do from there.

I know nobody reads this, but I write anyway to help me process things.