Thoughts

Today was a so-so kind of day. The actual work at work wasn't bad. Dealing with management on the other had was difficult. One manager tells me to go and clean and straighten up a certain area. So I go and start doing it. I am about halfway done, when another manager comes and tells me I am needed in the front. I wrongfully think that he needs me to get back to cashiering. Nope, he wants me to restock an area. Maybe I just have the wrong mindset, but I have always been taught that you take one task at a time and finish it before moving to the next one. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and it makes me feel like the people I work for are very disorganized.

As for the suicidal thoughts, they are running like a constant monologue in the back of my mind. I can't find a way to turn it off. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, ideas, and urges. Medication doesn't seem to be helping. I have had someone tell me that all I have to do is just counter every bad/negative thought forcefully with a good/positive thought and that the constant monologue will end (a.k.a. behavior modification). I have tried for so long to take her advise but it feels like I am lying to myself. The positive/good thoughts feel like lies because I simply don't believe them to be true.

I had someone ask me today what it is I want and I could not answer her. I've been told for so long what I want that I don't know anymore if something is what I really want or what someone else wants. I have been thinking about it all day. (Yet another monologue in my head.) I haven't really ever sat down and thought about what I would like to be doing with my life. I came to the conclusion that I would like to go back to school eventually and take Spanish, art, writing and literature classes. Possibly get a degree in marketing/advertising where I could write and design ads all by myself. To be truthful I don't see this happening anytime soon, but it would be something I think I would enjoy doing.

Okay, I have to be at work in 12 hours so I am going to go to bed now.