Dreams

I have been having been having a host of bad dreams lately. Bad enough that they wake me from a dead sleep. They all have in common the loss of a loved one or my own death. I don't know what it all means but I know it has caused me to stop and think about my dreams ( non-sleeping kind).

Somewhere in the past I gave up on my dreams for life ever coming true. I can't pinpoint a time frame or a reason; so, maybe it was simply a gentle progression over time to nothingness. My sister-in-law asked me one day what I wanted to do with my life and the only answer I could give her was be a mom. I had no othe ambitions, dreams, goals, wishes, or hopes to give. That makes me sad. How did I get to this place? Does it mean in some way that I am content in the place that I am? No, it doesn't because I still have that longing inside for something more. I want something more out of life but I honestly don't know what it is.

Is it a place? A person? A hobby? A job? Or is it simply wunderlust to see what is over the next horizon? How do I find out what this longing means? How do I distinguish this longing from what others tell me I should do or would be good at? Will there always be more questions than answers?

My heart hurts. Good night.