Well it has been over a year since my last post and I know exactly how that happened. Life happened. Too many long days of commuting to work, working, and commuting home. Only to be followed by weekends of not wanting to do anything at all.
I've been at my worst this last year mentally. Even ended up in the hospital for 5 days because I was so low. Doing somewhat better now but still not back on an even keel yet. Can't really put a finger on what is wrong, only that I am not alright. Not going to hurt anyone, at least not today, but still can't shake this depression.
I totaled one car and seriously damaged another one. The totaled wasn't entirely my fault, the guy cut me off and then slammed on his brakes and my poor little Honda couldn't stop on a dime. The seriously damaged was my fault for falling asleep at the wheel and rear-ending a Chevy truck (those things are damageable).
I have had 3 surgeries to close veins in my legs that were diseased. Talk about not fun. Just numbing shots and tenderness and pain the following days. Still on medication for the Pseudotumor Cerebri and will find out at my doctor appointment later this month if I have to have another spinal tap/lumbar puncture. The doctor said that if it didn't get better I would have to have a stint put in and I really don't want that done. Found out I have slightly higher than normal cholesterol, so now I am on medication for that.
A good thing that happened, I got to go to Maryland and visit my brother and sister-in-love for a week. So, they took me to DC sightseeing, Pennsylvania to see the Amish and shop, and let me veg out on their couch with their dogs for a couple of days. I got to see Gettysburg and buy my mom yet another soldier ornament for the Christmas tree. I got a blanket in an antique store in Amish Country, books at a store going out of business, and the coolest little chest/jewelry box at a roadside barn sale. My sister-in-love is a great cook so I ate well (so much for my Weight Watchers). I flew First Class for the first time there and back...figured that if I was going to save up for a big trip I was going to go big since I probably wasn't going to get to go anyway again anytime soon. That was the only downer...First Class wasn't worth the money save for the extra leg room.
In reality that is most of what has happened in the last year. I read a few books, watched a few movies, flipped through some magazines, did some shopping but other than that I haven't done a whole lot. To be honest I miss the busyness of college life; the deadlines, always having friends to go places with, YAC activities (when I didn't have to work them), all the interesting reading assignments. I really miss creative writing class. Right now, I guess I am just at a point in my life where I am unhappy with where I am at but am not sure what I want to do to fix things. With the depression, I don't want to do anything but at the same time I am so tired of not being interested in anything. Money is tight due to medical bills so taking a class or two is out for now. Sometimes I wish things were simple but then I wouldn't learn anything.
As for my relationship with my Creator....it is in a rough patch. I find it very hard to pray at all and even harder to have faith that with everything I am going through/have gone through up to this point has a higher purpose. But I am trying...I have gone back to my home church and got involved in Sunday School and Nursing Home Ministry hoping to soften my hard heart. Every day is another struggle to not feel betrayed and forgotten.
More to come later....
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