Yet another night of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep no matter what I do. I took my pill, like I am supposed to, yet here it is almost 2am and I have been awake since 12:45am. I have tried everything I can think of to try to lull myself back to sleep. Guess there is a reason for the sleeplessness, but what that reason may be, I haven't a clue.
In other news, I got a part-time job. Worked 3 days last week and am only on the schedule for 2 days this week. For sure need more hours or a second job!!! For now, I have paid all but a few bills for this month. Don't know if my few hours of work will be enough to pay the rest. I hate to ask my parents for money but I may have to yet again.
I am having second thoughts about quitting my previous job even though it was making me sick and the 2 hour commute one way was brutal. Maybe I should have given it a little more time to get better...though I honestly don't think it would have gotten better with time. I miss my friends but it feels weird to try to talk to them because it kind of feels like we have nothing in common anymore.
I think the bottom line is that I am feeling sad. I have spent the last weeks job hunting and hanging out with the 15 year old. Don't misunderstand, I love the 15 year old but at the same time it makes me sad. She is having the high school experience that I wished I had back when I was in high school. I don't think I would go as far as to say that I regret my high school experience; more that, I feel like I missed out on a great deal of things that I would have liked to have experienced. I was so focused on doing what everyone else wanted me to do and being who they wanted me to be, that I didn't feel like I had the right to do the things that I wanted to do. I missed out on Homecomings, Sadie Hawkins dances, dating, going to the mall with my friends, slumber parties, and being more of the girl I wanted to be. I love talking to the 15 year old but most of the time I feel as if i can't relate to her. There really isn't anyone my age, other than Nicki and Jessica, that I even talk to anymore. No one at church in my age group that is single. I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I am.
How much of that really matters? I have never really had more than 2 or 3 friends my age at any time in my life. I guess it has just been my personality has not really garnished the keeping of multiple friends at the same time. I have older friends that can be more like additional parents/grandparents to me and I have younger friends whom I babysit or teach in Sunday School. But only two in the middle that I talk to these days. A good deal of the time i feel like my best of friends don't trust me. I lost the best friend I ever had over a trust issue. Now I don't even know what to say to her or even if I want to try to rekindle that relationship.
My heart hurts tonight...and nobody will ever know.
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