Have you ever...

Have you ever sent an e-mail and instantly wished you could have it back? That is the way I felt this morning. I sent my sister-in-law an e-mail trying to explain a few of the many thoughts in my head that were weighing on my mind this morning because she asked me to. After I pressed send, I wanted it all back. I felt like I had openned myself up too far, had complained too much, and just been plain bitchy. She has so many other things to do than read a stupid e-mail from me. I felt then and still now feel raw inside. Would it be rude to call and ask her to delete it before she reads it?

Dreams

I have been having been having a host of bad dreams lately. Bad enough that they wake me from a dead sleep. They all have in common the loss of a loved one or my own death. I don't know what it all means but I know it has caused me to stop and think about my dreams ( non-sleeping kind).

Somewhere in the past I gave up on my dreams for life ever coming true. I can't pinpoint a time frame or a reason; so, maybe it was simply a gentle progression over time to nothingness. My sister-in-law asked me one day what I wanted to do with my life and the only answer I could give her was be a mom. I had no othe ambitions, dreams, goals, wishes, or hopes to give. That makes me sad. How did I get to this place? Does it mean in some way that I am content in the place that I am? No, it doesn't because I still have that longing inside for something more. I want something more out of life but I honestly don't know what it is.

Is it a place? A person? A hobby? A job? Or is it simply wunderlust to see what is over the next horizon? How do I find out what this longing means? How do I distinguish this longing from what others tell me I should do or would be good at? Will there always be more questions than answers?

My heart hurts. Good night.

Weekend plans

Don't you just love it when people change your plans for you? I had, and still have, planned to take tomorrow off to go to doctors so that  I wouldn't have to take off a hour here and there on multiple days. Well all but one cancelled on me because they are going to close for a longer Memorial Day holiday. Phooey on them!!!

So now I am left with a quandary of what to do tomorrow. If the weather is nice I could take a picnic down to the creek and catch up on some reading. If the weather is not so nice, I could indulge in a  movie marathon. Or I could do both over the course of the weekend...

I think I am the only person in the world that can look at all the fun stuff there is to do around me and feel so overwhelmed by it that I just lay in my bed and do nothing. It is really quite sad.

Thankful but....

      I work in a doctor's office and we get free lunches from the drug representatives and other assorted groups. Now don't get me wrong I am very thankful for these lunches as they save me money and time making my own. However, if you are going to be bringing food for an office let me give some advice:

   1. Bring enough food to feed the entire office, not just the two or three you are coming to talk to as the staff are the ones that will be dealing the most with making sure that you have space to put your product on our shelves and that you get a call when we are running low on samples. Also, one pan of pasta and one pan of salad will not feed fifteen people no matter how little they eat.

   2. Call ahead and see what we would like to have, don't just assume everyone loves Mexican. We have had weeks where we have had Mexican 3-4 days in a row. By calling ahead you don't bring us something we don't want/won't eat, something we've already had multiple times, and you get in good with the staff. Any staff person will tell you, you get in good with us, you get in with our doctors.

   3. Make sure that the place you get the food from has good food. Now I know everyone's tastes are different and the like but what I mean is that they cook the food to the right temperatures and don't serve bad food. I can't begin to count the times we have had red chicken and beef or crunchy pasta. Then there is the drug representatives that just don't get it. The food they bring makes people sick every time and the staff know them by name/sight/smell. The entire staff brings or buys their lunch at the deli next door on those days.

     I love to eat and nothing tastes better than free food but the way things have been going lately I may have to switch to PB&J on a daily basis. We are experiencing more frequently that the reps are bring less and less food, the same food (think they are getting a discount somewhere?), and not quality food. This is day two of upset stomach from lunch this week. Last week there were 3 days of upset tummy issues for me alone.

      Okay, gotta go take more Pepto and back to work....
      

Confession is good for the soul

     So, I have a confession to make. Here I stand, you'll just have to imagine me standing, before you a caffeine addict.

      I have deduced this conclusion from the blasting headache that I have this morning. You have to understand that I started taking caffeine pills daily because my prescription medication made me sleepy and I couldn't drive to and from work safely. Well this weekend, I realized this morning, I didn't take my caffeine pills at all. Saturday, I was super busy and semi-constantly moving thus I didn't notice I hadn't taken the pills; Sunday, my alarm clock didn't go off and by the time I woke up  it was noon and I didn't think to take the pills. So then this morning I had a splitting headache and I thought I must of slept too much over the weekend and have the beginnings of a migraine.  However, within 10 minutes of taking my caffeine pills this morning so I could stay awake at work, whammo my headache disappeared.

      When I was diagnosed with Psuedotumor Cerbri last spring and put on medication for it, I was drinking about 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. Talk about a serious caffeine addition! Well the medication makes all carbonated drinks (coke, pepsi, dr. pepper, and all their by products) taste horrid. I went from mucho caffeine to zippo caffeine over night and boy did my head hurt. So far the only things with caffeine that I can drink are tea and Cranergy. Neither of which have much caffeine and I can't drink enough to satisfy the cravings. Thus I turned to caffeine pills to ease the headaches and gradually weaned myself off.

     Then, for other medical reasons, my medications changes and all of a sudden I was falling asleep behind the wheel on the way to work. Now, I would start out okay, but 30 minutes into my 45mins-hour commute I was nodding off and having near misses with the rear ends of other vehicles. I tried everything I could think of to stay awake and nothing worked, even starting a regimen of 2 caffeine pills a morning ( Relax Mom, it is equal to two cups of coffee). After a fender bender and a full on collision my doctor finally said I could change my medicine. She had me change the medicine and not drive for a week and I was still falling asleep on the way to work. I told her it was the medication causing the problems and she didn't believe me. So, I did what anyone would do and changed up when I took the medication and lo and behold I wasn't falling asleep on the drive in anymore. However, the 4 hour half-life of the drug has me nodding at 9am if work isn't busy. So I moved the caffeine pill from early am to help on the drive in to when I get to work to help keep me awake during the slow portion of the mornings.

     So long story, to say I am a caffeine addict. I do not deny it. I hang my head in shame and pain without it.

It's been a year...

Well it has been over a year since my last post and I know exactly how that happened. Life happened. Too many long days of commuting to work, working, and commuting home. Only to be followed by weekends of not wanting to do anything at all.

I've been at my worst this last year mentally. Even ended up in the hospital for 5 days because I was so low. Doing somewhat better now but still not back on an even keel yet. Can't really put a finger on what is wrong, only that I am not alright. Not going to hurt anyone, at least not today, but still can't shake this depression.

I totaled one car and seriously damaged another one. The totaled wasn't entirely my fault, the guy cut me off and then slammed on his brakes and my poor little Honda couldn't stop on a dime. The seriously damaged was my fault for falling asleep at the wheel and rear-ending a Chevy truck (those things are damageable).

I have had 3 surgeries to close veins in my legs that were diseased. Talk about not fun. Just numbing shots and tenderness and pain the following days. Still on medication for the Pseudotumor Cerebri and will find out at my doctor appointment later this month if I have to have another spinal tap/lumbar puncture. The doctor said that if it didn't get better I would have to have a stint put in and I really don't want that done. Found out I have slightly higher than normal cholesterol, so now I am on medication for that.

A good thing that happened, I got to go to Maryland and visit my brother and sister-in-love for a week. So, they took me to DC sightseeing, Pennsylvania to see the Amish and shop, and let me veg out on their couch with their dogs for a couple of days. I got to see Gettysburg and buy my mom yet another soldier ornament for the Christmas tree. I got a blanket in an antique store in Amish Country, books at a store going out of business, and the coolest little chest/jewelry box at a roadside barn sale. My sister-in-love is a great cook so I ate well (so much for my Weight Watchers). I flew First Class for the first time there and back...figured that if I was going to save up for a big trip I was going to go big since I probably wasn't going to get to go anyway again anytime soon. That was the only downer...First Class wasn't worth the money save for the extra leg room.

In reality that is most of what has happened in the last year. I read a few books, watched a few movies, flipped through some magazines, did some shopping but other than that I haven't done a whole lot. To be honest I miss the busyness of college life; the deadlines, always having friends to go places with, YAC activities (when I didn't have to work them), all the interesting reading assignments. I really miss creative writing class. Right now, I guess I am just at a point in my life where I am unhappy with where I am at but am not sure what I want to do to fix things. With the depression, I don't want to do anything but at the same time I am so tired of not being interested in anything. Money is tight due to medical bills so taking a class or two is out for now. Sometimes I wish things were simple but then I wouldn't learn anything.

As for my relationship with my Creator....it is in a rough patch. I find it very hard to pray at all and even harder to have faith that with everything I am going through/have gone through up to this point has a higher purpose. But I am trying...I have gone back to my home church and got involved in Sunday School and Nursing Home Ministry hoping to soften my hard heart. Every day is another struggle to not feel betrayed and forgotten.

More to come later....

Changes

As of late i have come to realise how much i have changed and never ment to. I can't go back to the way I was before, no matter how hard I try. maybe it is just the depression talking but I dunno...