Dreamless in Tomball

Yet another night of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep no matter what I do. I took my pill, like I am supposed to, yet here it is almost 2am and I have been awake since 12:45am. I have tried everything I can think of to try to lull myself back to sleep. Guess there is a reason for the sleeplessness, but what that reason may be, I haven't a clue.

In other news, I got a part-time job. Worked 3 days last week and am only on the schedule for 2 days this week. For sure need more hours or a second job!!! For now, I have paid all but a few bills for this month. Don't know if my few hours of work will be enough to pay the rest. I hate to ask my parents for money but I may have to yet again.

I am having second thoughts about quitting my previous job even though it was making me sick and the 2 hour commute one way was brutal. Maybe I should have given it a little more time to get better...though I honestly don't think it would have gotten better with time. I miss my friends but it feels weird to try to talk to them because it kind of feels like we have nothing in common anymore.

I think the bottom line is that I am feeling sad. I have spent the last weeks job hunting and hanging out with the 15 year old. Don't misunderstand, I love the 15 year old but at the same time it makes me sad. She is having the high school experience that I wished I had back when I was in high school. I don't think I would go as far as to say that I regret my high school experience; more that, I feel like I missed out on a great deal of things that I would have liked to have experienced. I was so focused on doing what everyone else  wanted me to do and being who they wanted me to be, that I didn't feel like I had the right to do the things that I wanted to do. I missed out on Homecomings, Sadie Hawkins dances, dating, going to the mall with my friends, slumber parties, and being more of the girl I wanted to be. I love talking to the 15 year old but most of the time I feel as if i can't relate to her. There really isn't anyone my age, other than Nicki and Jessica, that I even talk to anymore. No one at church in my age group that is single. I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I am.

How much of that really matters? I have never really had more than 2 or 3 friends my age at any time in my life. I guess it has just been my personality has not really garnished the keeping of multiple friends at the same time. I have older friends that can be more like additional parents/grandparents to me and I have younger friends whom I babysit or teach in Sunday School. But only two in the middle that I talk to these days. A good deal of the time i feel like my best of friends don't trust me. I lost  the best friend I ever had over a trust issue. Now I don't even know what to say to her or even if I want to try to rekindle that relationship.

My heart hurts tonight...and nobody will ever know.

Changing me

I went in the hospital on Aug 9 and stayed until the 16th for a suicide attempt. Since getting out, I have changed my life  quite a bit. I found a new psychiatrist, have only seen my therapist twice, quit my group therapy, moved out of my parent's house, and quit my job.  It amazes me how much better I feel about myself and the world around me.

Every step I have taken since quitting my job has made me feel stronger. I start team teaching the 4 year old Sunday School class at church this weekend and start volunteering at CareNet next month. I am, for maybe the first time in my life, doing things that I want to do, simply because I want to do them.

My faith is still on the rocks but getting better. I bought the Message version of the Bible and it really does help me understand the passages I have ound difficult with the New King James Version.

I have been reading for pleasure more than ever. Yes I am job hunting, both online and in person; however, when I take breaks I have been reading to calm my nerves about surviving financially until I get another job. Right now, I am working on 2 different books: the first is the recollections of survivors of the Vietnam War and the battles they saw from thier own perspective, the second is Stephan King's latest 11/22/63. So when I get bored with one (or too horrified by the truth), I just switch to the other.

I really haven't watched TV at all since I have moved. I have watched a few made for TV movies (2) but that is it. Strangely, I don't miss it. My mom still records 19 Kids and Counting for me to watch when I come home to visit but the times I have come over there hasn't been time to watch.

I really should go to bed...I have a doctor's appt at 8 am tomorrow, followed by dropping off an application for employment, a stop by the old job to deliever birthday presents, and another dr. appt at 2pm. Not real sure what I will be doing between delievering the gifts and the 2nd doctor's appointment.

I will go for now. Write more later.

Feeling Better

Well, another absence on my part, sorry about that. I have been busy with life and haven't gotten around to sitting down to write. I have been feeling better the last week and it has a lot to do with medication and attitude changes I have been making.

I started having a side effect to the Latuda I was on, so I have totally gotten off of it. What a difference! I am no longer sleepy at work, my leg stopped shaking uncontrollably, and I just feel happier. The only down side is that I have had a caffeine withdrawal headache for 3 days. I had been taking caffeine pills to stay awake at work and now that I am not sleepy, I am not taking them. Thus, I have a headache because I don't drink soda or coffee; I just get a little bit from Cranergy. The leg shaking is a symptom of a syndrome that can occur with the medication, gets worse with continued use, and only stops with the end of medication. That is the major reason I wanted off of Latuda. The surprising part to me was the increase in my happiness factor off of the medication. I feel good for the first time in a long time. I smile more, I am reading books and magazines again, and I am no longer looking for the bad in everything. I am enjoying more time spent with friends and family.

The attitude change has been long needed I think. I have been making an effort to be more mindful of the world around me and not putting myself at the center of the world. I have been attempting to be more positive at work and about work. It has made a great difference in how I feel about work. I am no longer dreading work and the office has been a more pleasant environment for me. I get along better with my coworkers. The mean patients don't upset me as easily. I am just doing so much better all around.

I am also getting more sleep since changing from Lunesta to Trazadone. I have been having a hard time with waking up during the night and not being able to fall back asleep while on the Lunesta. Once I switched, I am still waking but going right back to sleep without any trouble. I think because of this I am physically feeling much better.

All together I am feeling and doing so much better than this time two weeks ago. I can't believe I feel this good. I hope it lasts a long time! Well- I have to go now. Talk to all of you later :-)

Missing in Action

Sorry to have been missing in action for a while. Had some things on my mind that I needed to sort out.

Right now, the house is mostly quiet save for Dad's TV and Lindsey running around with her toy trying to convince me  to play with her. I got home late after a doctor appointment and a trip to the pharmacy and boy am I tired. I just want to lay down and read my book. I am currently working on War is Beautiful. It is based on the journal entries of an American ambulance driver in the Spanish Civil War. I just finished a book about General U.S. Grant and Mark Twain. All of a sudden I am on a non-fiction kick with my book choices. Guess I just need more reality in my life, right?

I really don't think anyone reads this but me. That is okay though. It helps me to get things out and deal with them, so it really doesn't matter if anyone reads what I write.

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I need to change a few things about myself. I just don't know where to start or how to go about some of the changes. It feels like my soul is missing in action right now. What faith I had in God at one time in my life is long gone. Does anyone know where to start on the raod back to faith?

Have you ever...

Have you ever sent an e-mail and instantly wished you could have it back? That is the way I felt this morning. I sent my sister-in-law an e-mail trying to explain a few of the many thoughts in my head that were weighing on my mind this morning because she asked me to. After I pressed send, I wanted it all back. I felt like I had openned myself up too far, had complained too much, and just been plain bitchy. She has so many other things to do than read a stupid e-mail from me. I felt then and still now feel raw inside. Would it be rude to call and ask her to delete it before she reads it?

Dreams

I have been having been having a host of bad dreams lately. Bad enough that they wake me from a dead sleep. They all have in common the loss of a loved one or my own death. I don't know what it all means but I know it has caused me to stop and think about my dreams ( non-sleeping kind).

Somewhere in the past I gave up on my dreams for life ever coming true. I can't pinpoint a time frame or a reason; so, maybe it was simply a gentle progression over time to nothingness. My sister-in-law asked me one day what I wanted to do with my life and the only answer I could give her was be a mom. I had no othe ambitions, dreams, goals, wishes, or hopes to give. That makes me sad. How did I get to this place? Does it mean in some way that I am content in the place that I am? No, it doesn't because I still have that longing inside for something more. I want something more out of life but I honestly don't know what it is.

Is it a place? A person? A hobby? A job? Or is it simply wunderlust to see what is over the next horizon? How do I find out what this longing means? How do I distinguish this longing from what others tell me I should do or would be good at? Will there always be more questions than answers?

My heart hurts. Good night.

Weekend plans

Don't you just love it when people change your plans for you? I had, and still have, planned to take tomorrow off to go to doctors so that  I wouldn't have to take off a hour here and there on multiple days. Well all but one cancelled on me because they are going to close for a longer Memorial Day holiday. Phooey on them!!!

So now I am left with a quandary of what to do tomorrow. If the weather is nice I could take a picnic down to the creek and catch up on some reading. If the weather is not so nice, I could indulge in a  movie marathon. Or I could do both over the course of the weekend...

I think I am the only person in the world that can look at all the fun stuff there is to do around me and feel so overwhelmed by it that I just lay in my bed and do nothing. It is really quite sad.