"I've got to make water"

This has got to be my favorite line in the whole movie "Driving Miss Daisy". Morgan Freeman's character, Hoke, tells Jessica Tandy's character, Miss Daisy, this on the way to Mobile, Alabama. So, today being my day off, my mom and I had a Mom/Daughter Day. She took me out to lunch at El Palquente for fajita salad (YUMMY!!! My favorite there and we found out it is a Thursday daily special!!!) and then over to Target to get some Dr. Scholl's gel insoles for my work shoes. Hopefully the addition of the new insoles will help with my foot/ankle/leg pains from work. After our outing, we headed back to the house and watched, you guessed it, "Driving Miss Daisy" while Lindsey (the very best puppy in the world) and I cuddled.

Emotionally I feel a bit more stable today. However, I didn't have the work stressors on me so I was free to feel better. I really did not get much done today in the way of working on the Sunday School lesson or writing back to my pen pal; things I had planned to do today but I don't really feel upset about it. I had a good time just hanging out with Mom and doing nothing work related today. I don't really want to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (because it wears me down so) but it is more money with which to pay the bills, so I feel I must be thankful for such opportunities. I just hope Mike remembers to talk to Steve about switching shifts with me for Sunday, so I can teach Sunday School and sing with the choir before I sneak out to head to work.

Thoughts

Today was a so-so kind of day. The actual work at work wasn't bad. Dealing with management on the other had was difficult. One manager tells me to go and clean and straighten up a certain area. So I go and start doing it. I am about halfway done, when another manager comes and tells me I am needed in the front. I wrongfully think that he needs me to get back to cashiering. Nope, he wants me to restock an area. Maybe I just have the wrong mindset, but I have always been taught that you take one task at a time and finish it before moving to the next one. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and it makes me feel like the people I work for are very disorganized.

As for the suicidal thoughts, they are running like a constant monologue in the back of my mind. I can't find a way to turn it off. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, ideas, and urges. Medication doesn't seem to be helping. I have had someone tell me that all I have to do is just counter every bad/negative thought forcefully with a good/positive thought and that the constant monologue will end (a.k.a. behavior modification). I have tried for so long to take her advise but it feels like I am lying to myself. The positive/good thoughts feel like lies because I simply don't believe them to be true.

I had someone ask me today what it is I want and I could not answer her. I've been told for so long what I want that I don't know anymore if something is what I really want or what someone else wants. I have been thinking about it all day. (Yet another monologue in my head.) I haven't really ever sat down and thought about what I would like to be doing with my life. I came to the conclusion that I would like to go back to school eventually and take Spanish, art, writing and literature classes. Possibly get a degree in marketing/advertising where I could write and design ads all by myself. To be truthful I don't see this happening anytime soon, but it would be something I think I would enjoy doing.

Okay, I have to be at work in 12 hours so I am going to go to bed now.

Making Decisions

Making decisions is one of the hardest things for me to do. The big ones like where to go to college down to the tiny ones like do I want vanilla or chocolate ice cream. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. Part of it stems from being a people-pleaser and wanting to do whatever it was that those around me wanted and desired. The other part I think is more of a lack of feeling that I have the right to choose. I really find it almost painful to make a decision.

People pleasing goes back as far as I can remember because I learned at an early age that you get more love from other people but doing what it is they want to do. Anything from what movie to see, where to go for dinner, and what to wear to a special occasion get together to where to go to school, what car to get, and what job to take. It has gone so far that I don't have an opinion of my own on many topics because I have listened to others for so long.

The lack of feeling that I have the right to chose I think comes from being told by authority figures in my childhood and youth exactly what I was going to chose and how I was to do certain things. I wasn't given a choice on many things for many years and I believe that made me develop this feeling of unworthiness to make decisions about my life.

To be truthful, if I could go back and change things I would. I would not have gone to LeTourneau. I would have followed my passion for art, music, and literature. I would have not moved back in with my parents after I graduated from college. I would have moved to another city to be completely on my own. I would have gotten help with my mental illness sooner. I would have asked out my high school crush even though he was a grade behind me. I would have worked harder in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, so my GPA would have been higher and I could have received more scholarship money and not be in so much debt from college.

I've heard "never say never" and " you can always start over" but those phrases are not working for me at this time. I am nearly $50,000 in debt (mostly from car and school loans), I am living with my very generous friends (rent free), and am currently working a part-time job with no benefits and not enough hours to make ends meet at the moment. How do I start over from here?  The thought went through my head today that I should sell my car and get one I can pay  the total cost in cash for, with the rest of the money from the sale of my car going to pay down some of my debt. I could also sell all my books, movies, and CD's to a place like half-priced books (with the proceeds going to paying down debt fund). Then I could do a garage sale of everything else I own (save for my memory box and some items of sentimental value). However, I do not believe that by doing those three things I would make anywhere near what I would need to put a dent in my debt.

So, like I asked before, how do I start over from here? I have 8 months until my 30th birthday and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by now. I can't say, "oh, I want to be debt free by my birthday" because that is IMPOSSIBLE!! I could be on my way there if I would find a better job--something full time with benefits that is more stable source of income than where I am now. By 30, I had dreamed of being married with kids, being a stay at home mom that was overbooked with kids activities, and being debt free. Well right now I am 0 for 3.

I know that the people at church would tell me it is all in God's good timing and all I need to do is trust and pray. Right now, that is hard too. From huge tumors at 23 to strange medical ailments and 2 suicide attempts in the last 3 years, I feel like the prodigal child in the mire and muck of the pig sty. Sometime after losing my right ovary and Fallopian tube to a non-cancerous tumor ( making my chances of having children 50/50) I started to feel a distance between me and God. That distance has continued to grow to the point that now I am not even sure that any of my 3 walks down the aisle for salvation were real. I know one for sure wasn't because I know in my heart the motive was to make people like me (which didn't work by the way). I still go to church now and say prayers with the 4 year-olds on Sunday mornings but I feel like it all so fake and my words don't go any further than the air that I breathe out to say them.

All this to say, I guess that the best thing for me to do right now is sit down and start listing my preferences on paper and figure out what to do from there.

I know nobody reads this, but I write anyway to help me process things.

Dreamless in Tomball

Yet another night of waking up and not being able to go back to sleep no matter what I do. I took my pill, like I am supposed to, yet here it is almost 2am and I have been awake since 12:45am. I have tried everything I can think of to try to lull myself back to sleep. Guess there is a reason for the sleeplessness, but what that reason may be, I haven't a clue.

In other news, I got a part-time job. Worked 3 days last week and am only on the schedule for 2 days this week. For sure need more hours or a second job!!! For now, I have paid all but a few bills for this month. Don't know if my few hours of work will be enough to pay the rest. I hate to ask my parents for money but I may have to yet again.

I am having second thoughts about quitting my previous job even though it was making me sick and the 2 hour commute one way was brutal. Maybe I should have given it a little more time to get better...though I honestly don't think it would have gotten better with time. I miss my friends but it feels weird to try to talk to them because it kind of feels like we have nothing in common anymore.

I think the bottom line is that I am feeling sad. I have spent the last weeks job hunting and hanging out with the 15 year old. Don't misunderstand, I love the 15 year old but at the same time it makes me sad. She is having the high school experience that I wished I had back when I was in high school. I don't think I would go as far as to say that I regret my high school experience; more that, I feel like I missed out on a great deal of things that I would have liked to have experienced. I was so focused on doing what everyone else  wanted me to do and being who they wanted me to be, that I didn't feel like I had the right to do the things that I wanted to do. I missed out on Homecomings, Sadie Hawkins dances, dating, going to the mall with my friends, slumber parties, and being more of the girl I wanted to be. I love talking to the 15 year old but most of the time I feel as if i can't relate to her. There really isn't anyone my age, other than Nicki and Jessica, that I even talk to anymore. No one at church in my age group that is single. I feel as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I am.

How much of that really matters? I have never really had more than 2 or 3 friends my age at any time in my life. I guess it has just been my personality has not really garnished the keeping of multiple friends at the same time. I have older friends that can be more like additional parents/grandparents to me and I have younger friends whom I babysit or teach in Sunday School. But only two in the middle that I talk to these days. A good deal of the time i feel like my best of friends don't trust me. I lost  the best friend I ever had over a trust issue. Now I don't even know what to say to her or even if I want to try to rekindle that relationship.

My heart hurts tonight...and nobody will ever know.

Changing me

I went in the hospital on Aug 9 and stayed until the 16th for a suicide attempt. Since getting out, I have changed my life  quite a bit. I found a new psychiatrist, have only seen my therapist twice, quit my group therapy, moved out of my parent's house, and quit my job.  It amazes me how much better I feel about myself and the world around me.

Every step I have taken since quitting my job has made me feel stronger. I start team teaching the 4 year old Sunday School class at church this weekend and start volunteering at CareNet next month. I am, for maybe the first time in my life, doing things that I want to do, simply because I want to do them.

My faith is still on the rocks but getting better. I bought the Message version of the Bible and it really does help me understand the passages I have ound difficult with the New King James Version.

I have been reading for pleasure more than ever. Yes I am job hunting, both online and in person; however, when I take breaks I have been reading to calm my nerves about surviving financially until I get another job. Right now, I am working on 2 different books: the first is the recollections of survivors of the Vietnam War and the battles they saw from thier own perspective, the second is Stephan King's latest 11/22/63. So when I get bored with one (or too horrified by the truth), I just switch to the other.

I really haven't watched TV at all since I have moved. I have watched a few made for TV movies (2) but that is it. Strangely, I don't miss it. My mom still records 19 Kids and Counting for me to watch when I come home to visit but the times I have come over there hasn't been time to watch.

I really should go to bed...I have a doctor's appt at 8 am tomorrow, followed by dropping off an application for employment, a stop by the old job to deliever birthday presents, and another dr. appt at 2pm. Not real sure what I will be doing between delievering the gifts and the 2nd doctor's appointment.

I will go for now. Write more later.

Feeling Better

Well, another absence on my part, sorry about that. I have been busy with life and haven't gotten around to sitting down to write. I have been feeling better the last week and it has a lot to do with medication and attitude changes I have been making.

I started having a side effect to the Latuda I was on, so I have totally gotten off of it. What a difference! I am no longer sleepy at work, my leg stopped shaking uncontrollably, and I just feel happier. The only down side is that I have had a caffeine withdrawal headache for 3 days. I had been taking caffeine pills to stay awake at work and now that I am not sleepy, I am not taking them. Thus, I have a headache because I don't drink soda or coffee; I just get a little bit from Cranergy. The leg shaking is a symptom of a syndrome that can occur with the medication, gets worse with continued use, and only stops with the end of medication. That is the major reason I wanted off of Latuda. The surprising part to me was the increase in my happiness factor off of the medication. I feel good for the first time in a long time. I smile more, I am reading books and magazines again, and I am no longer looking for the bad in everything. I am enjoying more time spent with friends and family.

The attitude change has been long needed I think. I have been making an effort to be more mindful of the world around me and not putting myself at the center of the world. I have been attempting to be more positive at work and about work. It has made a great difference in how I feel about work. I am no longer dreading work and the office has been a more pleasant environment for me. I get along better with my coworkers. The mean patients don't upset me as easily. I am just doing so much better all around.

I am also getting more sleep since changing from Lunesta to Trazadone. I have been having a hard time with waking up during the night and not being able to fall back asleep while on the Lunesta. Once I switched, I am still waking but going right back to sleep without any trouble. I think because of this I am physically feeling much better.

All together I am feeling and doing so much better than this time two weeks ago. I can't believe I feel this good. I hope it lasts a long time! Well- I have to go now. Talk to all of you later :-)

Missing in Action

Sorry to have been missing in action for a while. Had some things on my mind that I needed to sort out.

Right now, the house is mostly quiet save for Dad's TV and Lindsey running around with her toy trying to convince me  to play with her. I got home late after a doctor appointment and a trip to the pharmacy and boy am I tired. I just want to lay down and read my book. I am currently working on War is Beautiful. It is based on the journal entries of an American ambulance driver in the Spanish Civil War. I just finished a book about General U.S. Grant and Mark Twain. All of a sudden I am on a non-fiction kick with my book choices. Guess I just need more reality in my life, right?

I really don't think anyone reads this but me. That is okay though. It helps me to get things out and deal with them, so it really doesn't matter if anyone reads what I write.

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I need to change a few things about myself. I just don't know where to start or how to go about some of the changes. It feels like my soul is missing in action right now. What faith I had in God at one time in my life is long gone. Does anyone know where to start on the raod back to faith?

Have you ever...

Have you ever sent an e-mail and instantly wished you could have it back? That is the way I felt this morning. I sent my sister-in-law an e-mail trying to explain a few of the many thoughts in my head that were weighing on my mind this morning because she asked me to. After I pressed send, I wanted it all back. I felt like I had openned myself up too far, had complained too much, and just been plain bitchy. She has so many other things to do than read a stupid e-mail from me. I felt then and still now feel raw inside. Would it be rude to call and ask her to delete it before she reads it?

Dreams

I have been having been having a host of bad dreams lately. Bad enough that they wake me from a dead sleep. They all have in common the loss of a loved one or my own death. I don't know what it all means but I know it has caused me to stop and think about my dreams ( non-sleeping kind).

Somewhere in the past I gave up on my dreams for life ever coming true. I can't pinpoint a time frame or a reason; so, maybe it was simply a gentle progression over time to nothingness. My sister-in-law asked me one day what I wanted to do with my life and the only answer I could give her was be a mom. I had no othe ambitions, dreams, goals, wishes, or hopes to give. That makes me sad. How did I get to this place? Does it mean in some way that I am content in the place that I am? No, it doesn't because I still have that longing inside for something more. I want something more out of life but I honestly don't know what it is.

Is it a place? A person? A hobby? A job? Or is it simply wunderlust to see what is over the next horizon? How do I find out what this longing means? How do I distinguish this longing from what others tell me I should do or would be good at? Will there always be more questions than answers?

My heart hurts. Good night.

Weekend plans

Don't you just love it when people change your plans for you? I had, and still have, planned to take tomorrow off to go to doctors so that  I wouldn't have to take off a hour here and there on multiple days. Well all but one cancelled on me because they are going to close for a longer Memorial Day holiday. Phooey on them!!!

So now I am left with a quandary of what to do tomorrow. If the weather is nice I could take a picnic down to the creek and catch up on some reading. If the weather is not so nice, I could indulge in a  movie marathon. Or I could do both over the course of the weekend...

I think I am the only person in the world that can look at all the fun stuff there is to do around me and feel so overwhelmed by it that I just lay in my bed and do nothing. It is really quite sad.

Thankful but....

      I work in a doctor's office and we get free lunches from the drug representatives and other assorted groups. Now don't get me wrong I am very thankful for these lunches as they save me money and time making my own. However, if you are going to be bringing food for an office let me give some advice:

   1. Bring enough food to feed the entire office, not just the two or three you are coming to talk to as the staff are the ones that will be dealing the most with making sure that you have space to put your product on our shelves and that you get a call when we are running low on samples. Also, one pan of pasta and one pan of salad will not feed fifteen people no matter how little they eat.

   2. Call ahead and see what we would like to have, don't just assume everyone loves Mexican. We have had weeks where we have had Mexican 3-4 days in a row. By calling ahead you don't bring us something we don't want/won't eat, something we've already had multiple times, and you get in good with the staff. Any staff person will tell you, you get in good with us, you get in with our doctors.

   3. Make sure that the place you get the food from has good food. Now I know everyone's tastes are different and the like but what I mean is that they cook the food to the right temperatures and don't serve bad food. I can't begin to count the times we have had red chicken and beef or crunchy pasta. Then there is the drug representatives that just don't get it. The food they bring makes people sick every time and the staff know them by name/sight/smell. The entire staff brings or buys their lunch at the deli next door on those days.

     I love to eat and nothing tastes better than free food but the way things have been going lately I may have to switch to PB&J on a daily basis. We are experiencing more frequently that the reps are bring less and less food, the same food (think they are getting a discount somewhere?), and not quality food. This is day two of upset stomach from lunch this week. Last week there were 3 days of upset tummy issues for me alone.

      Okay, gotta go take more Pepto and back to work....
      

Confession is good for the soul

     So, I have a confession to make. Here I stand, you'll just have to imagine me standing, before you a caffeine addict.

      I have deduced this conclusion from the blasting headache that I have this morning. You have to understand that I started taking caffeine pills daily because my prescription medication made me sleepy and I couldn't drive to and from work safely. Well this weekend, I realized this morning, I didn't take my caffeine pills at all. Saturday, I was super busy and semi-constantly moving thus I didn't notice I hadn't taken the pills; Sunday, my alarm clock didn't go off and by the time I woke up  it was noon and I didn't think to take the pills. So then this morning I had a splitting headache and I thought I must of slept too much over the weekend and have the beginnings of a migraine.  However, within 10 minutes of taking my caffeine pills this morning so I could stay awake at work, whammo my headache disappeared.

      When I was diagnosed with Psuedotumor Cerbri last spring and put on medication for it, I was drinking about 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. Talk about a serious caffeine addition! Well the medication makes all carbonated drinks (coke, pepsi, dr. pepper, and all their by products) taste horrid. I went from mucho caffeine to zippo caffeine over night and boy did my head hurt. So far the only things with caffeine that I can drink are tea and Cranergy. Neither of which have much caffeine and I can't drink enough to satisfy the cravings. Thus I turned to caffeine pills to ease the headaches and gradually weaned myself off.

     Then, for other medical reasons, my medications changes and all of a sudden I was falling asleep behind the wheel on the way to work. Now, I would start out okay, but 30 minutes into my 45mins-hour commute I was nodding off and having near misses with the rear ends of other vehicles. I tried everything I could think of to stay awake and nothing worked, even starting a regimen of 2 caffeine pills a morning ( Relax Mom, it is equal to two cups of coffee). After a fender bender and a full on collision my doctor finally said I could change my medicine. She had me change the medicine and not drive for a week and I was still falling asleep on the way to work. I told her it was the medication causing the problems and she didn't believe me. So, I did what anyone would do and changed up when I took the medication and lo and behold I wasn't falling asleep on the drive in anymore. However, the 4 hour half-life of the drug has me nodding at 9am if work isn't busy. So I moved the caffeine pill from early am to help on the drive in to when I get to work to help keep me awake during the slow portion of the mornings.

     So long story, to say I am a caffeine addict. I do not deny it. I hang my head in shame and pain without it.

It's been a year...

Well it has been over a year since my last post and I know exactly how that happened. Life happened. Too many long days of commuting to work, working, and commuting home. Only to be followed by weekends of not wanting to do anything at all.

I've been at my worst this last year mentally. Even ended up in the hospital for 5 days because I was so low. Doing somewhat better now but still not back on an even keel yet. Can't really put a finger on what is wrong, only that I am not alright. Not going to hurt anyone, at least not today, but still can't shake this depression.

I totaled one car and seriously damaged another one. The totaled wasn't entirely my fault, the guy cut me off and then slammed on his brakes and my poor little Honda couldn't stop on a dime. The seriously damaged was my fault for falling asleep at the wheel and rear-ending a Chevy truck (those things are damageable).

I have had 3 surgeries to close veins in my legs that were diseased. Talk about not fun. Just numbing shots and tenderness and pain the following days. Still on medication for the Pseudotumor Cerebri and will find out at my doctor appointment later this month if I have to have another spinal tap/lumbar puncture. The doctor said that if it didn't get better I would have to have a stint put in and I really don't want that done. Found out I have slightly higher than normal cholesterol, so now I am on medication for that.

A good thing that happened, I got to go to Maryland and visit my brother and sister-in-love for a week. So, they took me to DC sightseeing, Pennsylvania to see the Amish and shop, and let me veg out on their couch with their dogs for a couple of days. I got to see Gettysburg and buy my mom yet another soldier ornament for the Christmas tree. I got a blanket in an antique store in Amish Country, books at a store going out of business, and the coolest little chest/jewelry box at a roadside barn sale. My sister-in-love is a great cook so I ate well (so much for my Weight Watchers). I flew First Class for the first time there and back...figured that if I was going to save up for a big trip I was going to go big since I probably wasn't going to get to go anyway again anytime soon. That was the only downer...First Class wasn't worth the money save for the extra leg room.

In reality that is most of what has happened in the last year. I read a few books, watched a few movies, flipped through some magazines, did some shopping but other than that I haven't done a whole lot. To be honest I miss the busyness of college life; the deadlines, always having friends to go places with, YAC activities (when I didn't have to work them), all the interesting reading assignments. I really miss creative writing class. Right now, I guess I am just at a point in my life where I am unhappy with where I am at but am not sure what I want to do to fix things. With the depression, I don't want to do anything but at the same time I am so tired of not being interested in anything. Money is tight due to medical bills so taking a class or two is out for now. Sometimes I wish things were simple but then I wouldn't learn anything.

As for my relationship with my Creator....it is in a rough patch. I find it very hard to pray at all and even harder to have faith that with everything I am going through/have gone through up to this point has a higher purpose. But I am trying...I have gone back to my home church and got involved in Sunday School and Nursing Home Ministry hoping to soften my hard heart. Every day is another struggle to not feel betrayed and forgotten.

More to come later....

Changes

As of late i have come to realise how much i have changed and never ment to. I can't go back to the way I was before, no matter how hard I try. maybe it is just the depression talking but I dunno...

Peaceful Saturday

So, I get to the ENT on Wednesday and they test the vials to see if they are going to work...and DENIED, they had no reaction whatsoever! So, what do they do? They go ahead and give me shots out of the vials! I have to go back next Wednesday to have new vials tested and start the regimen. If these vials work, they will teach me how to give myself the shots and once I buy my Epipen, they will release the vials to me to take home. Is God trying to teach me to tolerate needles????

I am very proud of me today. I got up, ironed and sewed the last of the quilting squares that I had cut, went for a very cold walk, started my third knitting project for the year, and watched 3 movies with my Mom. Very peaceful, very relaxing. Just what I needed.

If Kim remembers to bring the cutting board, I will be at church all afternoon tomorrow cutting more fabric for my quilt. If he doesn't remember, I will come home and try to catch up on my Tivo recordings....we shall see what happens.

The anxiety has begun....

Tomorrow afternoon I go to the ENT to start allergy shots and my anxiety level is about to hit the roof. I have a great dislike for needles and now I will have to give myself shots 3 times a week for at least 6 months. Add to that, the vial of shot liquid is $180 and I have no idea how much my portion of the office visit will be, let alone how many of the visits I have to have before they let me just do the shots by myself. I don't know what to do anymore...

And on it goes...

So, I took my car in for the normal oil change and to have the state inspection done....8 hours and $1,000 later I get my car back with 4 new tires (my old ones were spliting), new battery (the termenals of the old one were so corroded that it wasn't holding a charge), oil changed, state inspection done, fuel and brake system cleaned, tires aligned, and oil leak proved non-existant. Praise the Lord that everything was fixable and that they were able to do it all the same day but it puts me on yet another payment plan. I thought that as long as I tithed, that God wouldn't let me be completely broke! Show how much I know....I am thinking I am going to have to get a night and weekend job just to keep up. YIKES!

God provides

I got the call today! My hearing aids are in and they asked me to come get them and have them fitted this afternoon. I left work early (thank you God for making my boss giving today) and made it from Bellaire to Spring in an hour (thank you God for little traffic). I have to admit it is a bit strange to have something constantly in my ears without being at a NASCAR truck race or in an airplane, but the doctor said I should get used to it in a few days. My fears that I might get the aids stuck in my ears was unfounded as mine have a little pull stick on them :-) It was awesome to be able to look at the paperwork and not have to read the doctor's lips when she was explaining the proper care and warranties. Only thing I have noticed that bothers me a little is that, to me, I sound like I am in a tunnel or underwater when I talk and feel as though I am yelling at the person I am speaking to. God provides....

Too Early!

I decided this morning to go ahead and get up with my alarm so to get back in the "work" schedule. Now, after a shower and breakfast, I am at a loss for what to do. Checked e-mail and facebook, read a couple of blogs, and now what? Guess I'll sew until it is time to leave for church....

Feeling good

Just watched Julie/Julia after reading Jessica's liking it... I think it is fabulous! Funny and thought provoking. While watching I finished the scarf I am making for Debie's wife and it is beautiful. I am waiting for the laundry to finish so I can cut more squares for my quilt. I so adore lazy days like today!